Doing & Being

I've been speaking to a lot of groups lately, but I find it ironic that I'm speaking at all. By nature I keep most of my words in my head, but even when I do want to speak, I prefer it to be minimal and in a group of no more than five people. That, or in a profound conversation with someone whose depth of spirit speaks to my own.

By definition of what I've been doing lately I guess you could call me a "national speaker". I've spoken all across the country in a number of churches, schools and institutions; have been interviewed for various media and written material; and have even had to turn down some invitations because of a schedule that can't fit anything more.

When I reflect on this, I'm tempted to laugh, but I'm mostly confused because I have no interest in public speaking. I'd rather read a book than speak about it, so I keep asking God the same question dear old Moses did, "Why me? Don't you want someone else?"

I have a very simple philosophy when it comes to God's will: God opens doors when there's a path I should walk and God closes doors when I need to look elsewhere. God has shown me where to turn by making things happen that I couldn't have accomplished on my own (like when I took the wrong test to apply for the School of Education and was admitted anyway); or by giving me "no" as an answer when I wanted to hear "yes". Sometimes a "closed door" has been simply knowing in my heart that I'm not pursuing what I know I should be, and I'm not at peace until I listen.

As I see all these doors opening for me to walk into schools and parishes, it tells me that this is where God wants me right now. The invitations wouldn't be coming if God had other plans in mind. Even still, while this may be what I do, it doesn't really feel like who I am.

The other day I was preparing to lead a retreat for high school seniors. I always get nervous before presentations and retreats because I want to offer the best and leave people with something they can really use in their relationship with God. The night before this particular retreat I prayed, "Lord, please help me to be who you need me to be for these students." In that moment my mind quieted and I felt the Lord say, "I don't need you to be anything. Just be yourself." It was both comforting and unsettling. I wanted more guidance than that, and yet I knew that was truly all God wanted.

So if my doing is not my being, then I suppose it is not so much what I share as it is who I share. I have been trying to fit the role of how I view public speakers - as dynamic extroverts with lots of things to say. Instead, I need to find a way of public speaking that is me - a friendly introvert with lots of things on her mind.

I wonder how many people get stuck trying to fit a role as it is commonly cast. How do we break free? How do we re-imagine the role so that we can still do what needs to be done, but in a way that gives us space to be us?

The photos you see in this post were taken by Carlos Trujillo during a talk I gave in Albuquerque,
NM. They say so much of who I am, and yet give the impression that I am a speaker and a performer. I consider myself neither, but, in the words of Mother Teresa, I do consider myself a pencil in the hand of God. Who am I to decide what story God should write with me, or how it should be written? It is enough that God should want to write with me.

So, as I continue to be entrusted with a stage and a microphone, I will do my best to make the most of it. Considering that Lent has just begun, perhaps I could use it as a time to further explore how to be in all that I do. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

Sister Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay

JOY: Jesus, Others and You

Busy Busy Busy! I just wanted to share a wonderful experience I had last week in Henderson, KY. I was there from Sunday, April 15th through Sunday, April 22nd visiting a variety of schools and sharing my vocation story. You may be wondering just how I ended up going to a little city out in the country. To find out, read on! Last summer, I had the chance to speak at the 12th National Black Catholic Congress in Orlando, FL, where I also proclaimed the reading during Mass at the Basilica of the National Shrine of Mary Queen of the Universe. The group traveled together to and from Mass on a bus, and it was on this bus that I met Father Anthony Shonis. After some lively conversation, Father Shonis extended the invitation that eventually brought me to the Diocese of Henderson, KY. While in Kentucky, I had a full itinerary - I spoke the night I arrived, every day thereafter, and then again on the very morning I left. I met with groups of all ages at schools across the diocese. My youngest audience included pre-kindergarten, but I also spoke with children in elementary, middle, and high school. Teaching the little ones a chant with some movement! I always shared my story first, talking about where I grew up and how I met the Felician Sisters. Then I talked a bit about religious life, explaining the vows and the difference between nuns and sisters, as well the difference between Franciscans, Dominicans, and Benedictines. I would then ask the kids a few questions, sometimes rewarding them with a knotted rosary I had made when they answered correctly - or even sometimes when they answered creatively, even if it wasn't the answer I was looking for. :) After my story and explanations, I allowed time for the kids to ask me questions. I received excellent questions from every grade, including some interesting ones such as "What happens if you break the vows?"; "What do you think you would be doing right now if you weren't a sister?"; and "How do you pay for all of your travels?" Me with the Youth Group at Holy Name of Jesus Catholic Church My favorite question, however, came on the last day. After Mass, I spoke with the kids who came from the public schools for religious education. It was a mixed group, so there were children from elementary to high school present. When I finished speaking and invited questions from the students, a little boy in the front row raised his hand high and asked, "Is all of this true?" I held my laughter in behind a great big smile and said, "It is, actually! It's pretty much my whole life story all in one very short presentation." He stared at me in awe as I continued answering some other very good questions. Posing with my new little friends at John Paul II Catholic School After all of the questions had been asked and answered during my presentation, I did one of two things. With the lower grades - usually kindergarten through fifth grade - I would teach the students a chant with some movements I had made up. The kids had a great time, jumping up and down and using their 'outside' voices even though they were inside. One of the teachers came to me afterward and said, "That was great! We're going to use that as opening prayer from now on!" With the middle and high school students, I would do something a little different. I had some choreography prepared that went with a popular song all the students knew, so it was a nice surprise for them to see I could dance. The older kids loved it! They started bouncing around as soon as the song came on, but they also had a great time learning the dance and competing to see who could do it best. I received several compliments afterward, from both middle and high school students, and sometimes even from their teachers who had gotten up and tried the dance, too. At one point, Father Anthony Shonis even tried learning the dance! Teaching a dance I choreographed for the upper grades Near the end of my time in Kentucky, I was blessed to be able to speak at the annual Black Catholic gathering for the diocese of Henderson. The day began with breakfast and Mass, followed by a short Q&A session with the bishop. Afterward, everyone moved to the parish hall where I spoke with the small group of about 20 people in attendance. The theme was "Missionary Discipleship from a Multicultural Perspective: Effective Inclusion." I shared my story and focused on how God has been able to break barriers in and around me simply through my "Yes." Explaining that it was not necessarily my intent to break these barriers, I shared that now I know it was God's intent and that my choice to follow His will is what allows me to be a voice for the minorities I represent. Several of the individuals shared their own difficult stories about racism and prejudice, explaining that they had been mad at God, wondering why He would make them "like this" (African American/black) if it meant they were going to be mistreated. In the course of the sharing, many individuals expressed their gratitude for groups and events like the Black Catholic gathering because it gave them the opportunity to have a place in the Church. As the presentation came to a close, I thanked the group for their invitation and for their sharing. I explained, "I fall into many minority groups - I'm a minority as a woman of color; I'm a minority as a woman of color who's Catholic; I'm a minority as a young sister; I'm a minority as a young sister who's black; so a lot of people have begun turning to me, asking for my opinions. They see me and say, 'There are not many of you. We want to know what you think.' Now that you have shared your stories, I will join your voices with mine so we can speak together when people ask me what I think." Me & some attendees from the Black Catholic gathering in Henderson, KY I can hardly express the joy and beauty I experienced in Kentucky. It confirmed the hopes I'd had when I first began to contemplate religious life seriously - hopes that God would use my gifts and life for a purpose, and that my relationship with God and the world around and within me would deepen. I can only describe it in this way: I felt as if I were being lifted to God by all of my Felician Sisters at once; like I was in the middle of a wonderful celebration where all at the same time I was learning, loving, and laughing. It was like looking up at the sky right when the shooting star made its appearance; like knowing I am right where I am meant to be.

A Simple Life

I feel as if this summer has just begun, and at the same time I feel that it has been extremely full of adventures and love already. Just after school ended, I was able to be with my family in NM and celebrate my sister and brother-in-law's renewal of vows. The Christian ceremony was beautiful and it was great to see so much family in one place. The day after, I traveled to Holly, MI where my community hosts Seeds of Hope, an annual leadership conference for young women from our four Felician high schools. I had the opportunity to serve the young ladies behind the scenes, but also found time to laugh with them and play a few outdoor games when the weather permitted. At the end of the week I drove to Canada with Sister Maria Louise and two students who had attended the program. I stayed there a few days and had a great time. Sister Maria Louise and I watched lots of movies at home since 1) we both thoroughly enjoy watching movies and 2) it rained during most of my time there. We also painted some lady bug pet rocks for ourselves and visited the majestic Niagara Falls when God granted us a sunny day. Straight

from Canada I traveled to Chicago where I spent almost a week with Sister Heather. We walked Nala, the 2-year-old Weimaraner pup who has a mind of her own, twice a day, every day. I actually kind of miss the exercise, but we did a few other things besides dog sit. We went on a picnic, braved the traffic for some ice cream, and even found time to wash the car.

As much as I enjoyed every moment mentioned above, as well as all the moments in between, it was my departure from Chicago that sent me down an unexpected and profound path. The morning of my departure, I decided to go out the backdoor. The Sisters don't have a recycle bin, but their neighbors do, so rather than throw my plastic bottles in the trash I figured the neighbors wouldn't mind a few extra bottles in their recycle bin. Well, I stepped outside to a very sad sight: two baby birds on the cement steps next to each other, fallen from their nest above the door. They were so young that neither of them had any feathers. To my surprise, one of them had survived the fall. I called Sister Heather over and she thought perhaps we could get it back into the nest. She brought me a step ladder, so I picked up the little bird and climbed up, but it was no use. The nest was too high. I was running out of time, but she thought maybe a phone book would add some height and so she brought that over too. Placing it on the step ladder I tried again, but the nest was still too far out of reach. Being the 4th of July, I knew that any wildlife refuge center would be closed. I didn't know what else to do, so I figured, "If it's going to die, I can at least give it a soft and warm place to be in the meantime." I resolved to sneak it onto the flight with me.

I had a nice fuzzy sweater on hand so I gently placed the little bird inside the pocket and we left for the airport. During the drive my mind was working overtime to try and figure out how I would actually pull this off. "Should I try to wear the sweater through security?" I wondered. "No," I thought, "They'll see something in the pocket and I could get caught." As you know, my options were very limited. "Ok," I decided, "I'm going to leave her in the pocket and place the sweater in the bin that goes through the scanner. Maybe they'll see her, but maybe it'll just seem so odd that they won't say anything." I said goodbye as Sister Heather dropped me off, and I eventually made my way to security. My heart was pounding as I stood in line. "What if this doesn't work? What if they find her and take her? What would they do with her, throw her away?" The suspense at what might happen had me so nervous I even thought that perhaps the body scanners were possibly able to detect a person's heart rate so they could tell whether or not someone was trying to hide something. "If that's the case," I thought, "I better calm down or they'll know something's up! Just breathe.." I stared at my sweater as it slowly traveled along the conveyor belt. "Please don't beep, please don't beep.. If there's no beep then everything's fine.. Please don't beep." I stepped through the body scanner, watched my bag come out the other side, and then my sweater.. No beep! The little bird made it through security after all. I grabbed my belongings and headed to my gate.

I had brought a plum and banana with me, so I figured some mashed banana might be an ok snack for my new travel companion. I must say that feeding her was one of the most exciting aspects of caring for the little creature. She would open her beak, which was still soft around the edges, and chirp with her tiny tongue sticking out. Her neck was still so weak that her head would wobble all over the place and I'd have to try to hold her steady as she searched for the food on the tip of my pinky. Now that I had time to look up more details about baby birds on my phone, I checked to see how I might be able to best care for her during what I figured were the last hours of her life. We had about an hour left before boarding, a four hour flight to Sacramento, a two hour layover, and a final one hour flight from Sacramento to Ontario. I wasn't sure how long she'd last, but I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible.

I discovered that birds her size needed to be fed about every ten minutes from sunrise to 10:00 p.m. I fed her as much banana as I could while we waited for the plane, but once we boarded and took off, her appetite diminished. After about two hours, she only slept and was no longer moving around as energetically as before. By now the woman next to me had discovered why I was putting banana into my pocket and we started to chat. She told me about a son who was in prison and struggling with a drug addiction. "When I saw your crucifix," she said, "I just started praying." She told me she hadn't been to church in a while, but that she believed it would be best for her and her son if she started going again. In between stories, we would check on our little bird and both express how much we wanted her to live. At one point I was able to give the little one some banana and the woman marveled at the sight. "She's in good hands," she said with a smile. As we got ready to land, we discovered that we were both on the next flight together.

As we waited, I decided the bird needed something more than banana to eat. Besides, it was getting her all sticky and I had to pat her down with a damp paper towel to free her legs from the sides of her belly. "Perhaps avocado," I thought, and so the search began. I found a little string of restaurants near our gate and purchased a single avocado from a burger joint. As I was walking past a pizza place I heard someone call out, "Excuse me!" I turned to see a young woman about my age looking at me from behind the counter. "Excuse me," she said again, "Can I talk to you? Do you have some time?" "Of course," I said, and I walked over as she pushed some condiments out of the way. "Can you pray for me?" she asked. "Can you pray that I find peace and happiness? I struggle with anger." I talked with her for a moment and then we prayed right there together. She kindly offered to refill the water bottle I had in my hand and I returned to my gate. Unfortunately my little pal didn't eat much more, but she was still breathing. The woman and I kept checking to see that her little rib cage was expanding and contracting regularly.

When we boarded the plane we sat together again and were joined by a smiling 14-year-old girl. We decided to show her the little treasure in my sweater pocket and the three of us had a great conversation all the way into Ontario. Both of them declared that it was the first time they had ever sat next to a nun. The young girl said, "You're nice. I thought they were all mean like they show in the movies." We laughed and talked about more serious issues too, such as divorce and difficult family situations. We occasionally checked on our precious cargo and were relieved each time to see that she was still breathing. We weren't certain of her future, but we were all really hoping she'd survive.

My dear little featherless friend lived only about one hour after my arrival home. I was

surprised she had even made it that far, but I was disappointed to have to let her go. I buried her in our backyard and put a small cross on top of the spot where she is. In honor of Padre Pio and at the suggestion of one of my former students (Rio Mendez), I named her Pia.

Pia was a part of my journey for a mere matter of hours, yet her simple life allowed me to touch the lives of others with whom I likely wouldn't have spoken otherwise. Caring for this little bird caused a sort of domino effect and led to conversations that may change the course of many lives forever. Who knows, maybe the woman I sat next to will start going to church regularly and through a renewed relationship with God may inspire her son to seek a path of healing. Or perhaps the young woman I prayed with will find the peace she seeks and in return give glory to God by helping lead others out of their struggle with anger. Or maybe the 14-year-old who never knew religious sisters were nice will open her heart to discerning a vocation to the religious life. The pssibilities are endless, as are the mysterious ways in which God works. Pia was just a little bird fighting for life on the steps of a convent; but no life, no matter how simple, is ever without purpose.

*As a side note, here is a link which explains what you should do if you ever find a baby bird fallen out of its nest.
http://healthypets.mercola.com/sites/healthypets/archive/2011/05/24/when-rescuing-a-baby-bird-is-not-the-compassionate-thing-to-do.aspx

For Your Entertainment

Have nothing else to do?  Check out some videos from our most recent Graymoor, NY experience!  There's nothing better than watching Franciscans praise God through song and comedy :)  May the peace, smiles and laughter brought to you by these performances remind you of the gifts and talents that God has called us all to share for His greater glory. God bless us as we each strive to build up the Body of Christ!

The first video is of Sister Agnes Therese who wrote the song she is performing based on the three loves of Saint Francis (the crib, the Cross and the Eucharist):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF59fzatkB8

This skit may be lengthy, but it's worth every minute!  The OFM Brothers know how to do television.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3p3CQZ9yTRs

Another group of handsome OFM Brothers serenaded us with Salve Regina; I'm sure it pleased Christ to hear such a sweet melody sung of His Mother!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeBGFUpLRj4

This last one is of the Poor Clares -- I never knew cloistered nuns had so much fun. They're hilarious!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_3K-kzQDS8

Unfortunately, I did not get video of the skits that my fellow novices and I performed, but we're asking around to see if anyone else did.  If not, we'll put it on for our Sisters next door and get the video up later, so do not despair!

Franciscans Are My Favorite

Sister Clare and Myself

I was recently given the opportunity, along with my three of my fellow novices, to go with our Assistant Director to four days of Franciscan wonderment in Graymoor, NY.  From Tuesday, November 8th until Friday, November 11th we enjoyed the fellowship of other novices and the like from several different Franciscan communities.  The speaker, Sister Clare D'Auria, OSF, shared her wisdom on discernment and what it means to be a part of the Franciscan family.  The photos and links offer you a little window into the time we spent there... The videos are skits or parodies performed by several of the novices and postulants who attended the conference that week.





Our dear TOR Sisters did a wonderful parody to "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" -- it was fantastic.  They're included in our plan for the next skit, of course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz_P7-b6w4M

We can't leave out our TOR Brothers who did a hilarious sing-a-long song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWfHaiPJLNc

And the OFM Brothers put on the best magic show I've ever seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_Pfyl_Hvtc
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Some Franciscan Fun -- TORs and Felicians!

I learned so much, not only from our speaker, but also from my Brothers and Sisters in Christ.  I learned that not only is it possible to "put yourself out there" -- talents, non-talents and all -- but it's possible to be accepted for these things as well.  I felt so comfortable with these people that I knew even if I had done a solo and sang something in my toneless voice, I would've walked away receiving plenty of honest encouragement.  These people are real: They're genuine, they're humble, they're loving... I was blessed first with my biological family, but it seems I have been blessed also with the best extended family anyone could ask for.  I only pray that I may fit right in and be able to accept not only myself with all of my imperfections, but others with all of their imperfections as well.  Sister Clare reminded us during the week that, "God is always with us.  Whether we go to the left, or go to the right, He's right there, telling us, 'This is the way, walk in it.'  Even when we choose the wrong path or make a mistake, He's still with us."  Should we not, then, be ready to always accompany our neighbor no matter what journey they are on or where they are at in that journey?  In doing so, we would give each other a better idea of who God truly is.

Our Great Franciscan Group!