Doing & Being

I've been speaking to a lot of groups lately, but I find it ironic that I'm speaking at all. By nature I keep most of my words in my head, but even when I do want to speak, I prefer it to be minimal and in a group of no more than five people. That, or in a profound conversation with someone whose depth of spirit speaks to my own.

By definition of what I've been doing lately I guess you could call me a "national speaker". I've spoken all across the country in a number of churches, schools and institutions; have been interviewed for various media and written material; and have even had to turn down some invitations because of a schedule that can't fit anything more.

When I reflect on this, I'm tempted to laugh, but I'm mostly confused because I have no interest in public speaking. I'd rather read a book than speak about it, so I keep asking God the same question dear old Moses did, "Why me? Don't you want someone else?"

I have a very simple philosophy when it comes to God's will: God opens doors when there's a path I should walk and God closes doors when I need to look elsewhere. God has shown me where to turn by making things happen that I couldn't have accomplished on my own (like when I took the wrong test to apply for the School of Education and was admitted anyway); or by giving me "no" as an answer when I wanted to hear "yes". Sometimes a "closed door" has been simply knowing in my heart that I'm not pursuing what I know I should be, and I'm not at peace until I listen.

As I see all these doors opening for me to walk into schools and parishes, it tells me that this is where God wants me right now. The invitations wouldn't be coming if God had other plans in mind. Even still, while this may be what I do, it doesn't really feel like who I am.

The other day I was preparing to lead a retreat for high school seniors. I always get nervous before presentations and retreats because I want to offer the best and leave people with something they can really use in their relationship with God. The night before this particular retreat I prayed, "Lord, please help me to be who you need me to be for these students." In that moment my mind quieted and I felt the Lord say, "I don't need you to be anything. Just be yourself." It was both comforting and unsettling. I wanted more guidance than that, and yet I knew that was truly all God wanted.

So if my doing is not my being, then I suppose it is not so much what I share as it is who I share. I have been trying to fit the role of how I view public speakers - as dynamic extroverts with lots of things to say. Instead, I need to find a way of public speaking that is me - a friendly introvert with lots of things on her mind.

I wonder how many people get stuck trying to fit a role as it is commonly cast. How do we break free? How do we re-imagine the role so that we can still do what needs to be done, but in a way that gives us space to be us?

The photos you see in this post were taken by Carlos Trujillo during a talk I gave in Albuquerque,
NM. They say so much of who I am, and yet give the impression that I am a speaker and a performer. I consider myself neither, but, in the words of Mother Teresa, I do consider myself a pencil in the hand of God. Who am I to decide what story God should write with me, or how it should be written? It is enough that God should want to write with me.

So, as I continue to be entrusted with a stage and a microphone, I will do my best to make the most of it. Considering that Lent has just begun, perhaps I could use it as a time to further explore how to be in all that I do. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

Sister Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay

The Heart of a Mother

I love giving vocation talks, not because I'm trying to recruit young women to religious life, but because a lot of young people are curious about the lives of Sisters and don't always have a chance to ask us questions. The Q&A portion is my favorite part of a vocation talk. I get questions as simple as "Are you allowed to listen to any kind of music?" and questions as complicated as "Don't you want to have children?" This second question is the one I sat down to write about today.

When I ask a young woman whether or not she has considered the possibility of religious life, if she says, "No," it's often followed by, "Because I want to get married and have children." Oddly enough, a lot of Sisters I know said the very same thing when someone had asked them the very same question. Despite all the gender stereotype and social construct arguments, I do believe that our bodies are deeply connected to our souls. The womb of a woman is not just another body part, but is central and sacred, even the womb of a woman physically unable bear children. The space within us tells us that we are bearers of life, that we can carry another human being within ourselves. It makes sense, then, that a young woman's hesitation to religious life would be the relinquishing of such a gift. But is it something we actually relinquish?

This reminds me of the story of Abraham, called to return his son to the Lord by sacrificing him. That's how I felt about dance once upon a time. I thought that once I entered the convent there would be no dancing, that it would be a gift I would have to sacrifice and return to God. Instead, it has been returned to me and its blessing upon my life has increased a hundredfold, just like God promising Abraham "descendants as countless as the stars" because he was willing to let go of that which he held dear (Gen. 22:17). I think it's the same for a woman who cherishes her life-bearing abilities and yet decides to live out the religious vow of chastity. Many of us enter religious life thinking, "I would love to have children, but this is where I am called, and so I am willing to make this sacrifice." In the end, though, I am starting to see that much like Abraham, we too receive descendants as countless as the stars.

I didn't think too often about having children until I was a novice and my sister was pregnant with her first child. The mystery and excitement of it all paralleled a deep sadness that began to run through me. Being the older sister by only a few years, my younger sister and I had always been very close. I had often experienced life's challenges first which gave me the ability to help guide her through similar challenges later. That was not the case this time. I couldn't understand what she was going through and, I realized, I never would. "We'll never be able to swap giving-birth stories," I thought, "Or watch our kids play and grow up together." I would smile whenever we spoke on the phone, but at night I would turn to my pillow and cry.

Roller-coasters with my favorite nephew

It's been six years since then. In addition to her gentle son, my sister also has a girl now, a spicy little 5-year-old who couldn't wait to start kindergarten this year. As I prepare to make final vows, I still let my mind drift from time to time and wonder what it would have been like to have children. I wonder what they would have looked like, or how they would have behaved. Would they have been artists or athletes? Maybe both! I wonder if I would have ever gotten them to school on time since I can't stand waking up early. Would they have been little night owls, too? Or would they have pounced on me at 5:00 in the morning, ready for a new day?

Twinning with my favorite niece

While I do not have answers to those questions, I am starting to feel my heart open up in a way I can only describe as the heart of a mother. I would do anything for my nephew and niece. I save all the drawings they give me; I think mean thoughts about the kids that bully them (and then try to pray for the conversion of their heathen souls); I spend all my money on them at Christmas; and I sit on the phone with them for as long as they want when they call. They may not be my kids, but my heart can't tell the difference. My sister jokes that they're half of her and half of me. My nephew is becoming a little bookworm, just like I was when I was his age, and my niece is obsessed with animals of all sorts, wanting to rescue them no matter how big or small.

That maternal love is extending now, further and further, as I spend more time with the youth in our country. During a retreat this month I had the opportunity to speak one-on-one with a handful of high school students. I was surprised by the level of despair and pain with which they came to me. They were carrying tragedy and questions that I never had to deal with so young. As I listened to them I longed to carry it all for them. I found myself asking God how I could help lighten their loads, or how I could help them discover the abundance of God's love for them. I would sometimes look out at all of them during quiet moments of prayer, just to take in every little hair on their precious heads. I imagine that's how a parent feels - wishing they could take away their child's pain, whether it's a scraped knee or a deep heartache; or watching their child, toddler or teen, during some simple activity and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of their lives.

Maybe I thought I was giving up a huge part of my life when I realized I wouldn't be having children; maybe I felt like I was sacrificing my own child the way Abraham must have felt as he held the knife over Isaac; but God's invitation is always followed by lavish, life-altering love. That's what I found instead of sacrifice and emptiness. I am discovering each day a love that is as true as any I could have hoped for. I guess my answer to the question "Don't you want to have children?" will now be something more along the lines of, "Of course! That's why I have hundreds."

Room Number 203

That's me!  I officially have my own classroom: Room 203.  I will be teaching Religion, Spanish and Dance at the Pomona Catholic All Girls High School (PC) in Pomona, CA.  I can't believe it!  I have been waiting to return here since my visit in February of 2011 and here I am.  It seems as if California has been my home, as if my heart has been waiting here for me all along and we've finally come back together again.  Since I know God manifests His love for us in guardian angels, I have asked the Lord for special help from the angels this year, so I know this will be a blessed time indeed!  So far Sister Feliz (who is in administration at PC) has been by my side, introducing me to people, helping me set up my classroom and sharing her experiences with me.  Help from the angels has already come!  Thank You, God, and thank you everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me all this time.  Below are some photos of my classroom and the lovely dance room next to it :)



View from back, left corner of the classroom.

View from front, left corner of the classroom.




View from front, right corner of the classroom.



View from back, right corner of the classroom.



Main door is on the right in this photo, with the windows along the wall behind the student's desks.

 

My favorite bulletin board (Papal blessing in bottom corner).

My other favorite bulletin board.

Bulletin board with Spanish calendar and world map.

Teacher's Desk... I mean, my desk :)

The Dance Room!



Come and See 2012 - Enfield, CT

The "Come-and-See" Women with the Novices

This weekend we were fortunate to have five women visit us in Enfield, CT to "Come and See" the life of the Sisters.  In the back row, left to right, we have: me (Sister Desire' Anne-Marie), Suzanne, Sister Maria Louise, Michelle and Sister Bridget Mary.  In the front, left to right, we have: Tina, Sister Mary Angelise, Amy and Caitlin.  The women came from all over -- even as far as California! -- and stayed in the central convent from Friday to Sunday.  They spent Friday evening at the novitiate, asking practical and insightful questions after a delicious pizza snack.  One question was about travel.  Michelle asked how often we were able to go home and visit family.  As novices, we explained, we go home twice a year: at Christmas and again in August.  It comes out to about three weeks all together.  Caitlin was curious about what life in the postulancy was like.  We told her that it's very different from the novitiate because in postulancy the focus is on getting to know the Community, both through classes and through travel.  We went somewhere different almost every month, but in the end we felt that we really knew who our Sisters were and what sort of ministry opportunities were available.  In the novitiate focus is on our interior lives more and how to incorporate our prayer into our ministry.  We had a wonderful group conversation and we ended the evening by saying night prayer together.



Visiting with Sister Margaret, our 102-year-old :)

Before the group left on Sunday, they were able to stop in our care center and visit with the Sisters for a while.  Sister Margaret shared her enthusiasm and wisdom, promising to pray for them and Sister Anastasia asked the novices to serenade everyone with our musical instruments.  The Sisters really enjoyed having the women over.  Tina and Suzanne even received surprise gifts!  Sister Edmund, whose favorite past-time is crocheting, handed them her last two knitted caps, delighted to give them a good home.  They will all surely be missed!  Please keep them in your prayers too, as well as all those who are taking the time to discern what God may be asking of them.

Also, the next "Come and See" weekend will be held in beautiful Rio Rancho, NM from Friday, April 19 to Sunday, April 21.  If you have ever wanted to 1) visit New Mexico and 2) see what life as a Felician might be like, then this is the perfect opportunity for you!  Feel free to contact Sister Mary Beth at smarybeth@feliciansisters.org for details.  May God continue to bless and keep you!

This is My Life

It was suggested to me by a friend (Paula Binsol) to write a blog about my daily activities.  An excellent idea, dear Paula!  I will also mention, as suggested, my favorite prayers and/or ways to praise God.  This is for all the men and women out there discerning their vocation!

 

Our schedule is basically the same Monday through Friday with a few variations here and there, so I will share what a typical day is like:

 

• 5:15 a.m. -- (Not a requirement)  I go for an hour walk with any Sister who wishes to join me

• 6:40 a.m. -- The Sisters gather together in Chapel for 40 minutes of silent meditation
• 7:20 a.m. -- We pray Morning Prayer from the Franciscan Office together
• 8:00 a.m. -- Mass at a nearby Parish
• 8:45 a.m. -- Breakfast together, my favorite meal :)
• 9:45 a.m. -- Class with one of the Professed Sisters in the house
• 11:40 a.m. -- Common Rosary (on Mondays and Wednesdays)
• 12:00 p.m. -- Lunch together
• 1:00-2:00 p.m. -- Adoration in half-hour shifts  (on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays)
• If you are scheduled to cook, somewhere in here would be your prep time
• 3:00 p.m. -- Second class of the day
• 4:45 p.m. -- We pray Evening Prayer together from the Franciscan Office
• 5:00 p.m. -- Dinner together
• 7:00 p.m. -- Recreation (on Tuesdays and Sundays)
• Times may vary due to individual sleeping habits J -- Private Night Prayer

Sister Bridget hammin' it up for the kiddos!

That is our basic schedule, although as I said it does change from time to time.  For example, Tuesdays are our outreach days, so we do not have classes or Adoration.  When I say "outreach" I mean it is the day we go out for ministry.  Our ministries vary from spending time with children to visiting our older Sisters who live next door.  We also help tutor adults who are learning English and entertain our neighbors at the Adult Day Care.  In the fall and spring we also attend a Scripture class through the Archdiocese, which has been a wonderful source of wisdom and friendships.

 

As for the weekend, Saturday is usually a day of relaxation, so Morning and Evening Prayer is private.  Sometimes there are special events to attend, or we novices go shopping together for our monthly outing.  On Saturdays we are also given the option to attend 11 o'clock Mass with the Little Sisters of the Poor (Sleep in?  Oh yeah.), and on Sundays we spend time with our Sisters in the central convent.  We have breakfast with them as well as Morning Prayer and Mass, and then one Sunday a month we help at a local soup kitchen where the Sisters provide a hot meal for the guests.

 

At the Mashantucket Pequot Museum and Research Center

On occasion the novices and their directors go on outings together, or educational trips.  One such trip was a visit to the Pequot Tribe Museum; another was accompanying our Sisters to the Aquarium in Mystic; there were also a couple of trips to the water; even some trips to Pennsylvania, New York and New Jersey.  I have found that both our daily routine and the special events are equally exciting.  What we learn during our time at home seems to enhance our time outside of the house.  Due to what I learn through our novitiate classes, I am able to laugh with strangers, share myself with others and give from what I have received.  Although this year has not been easy, it has been a blessing.  I have struggled with confusion and frustration, but in the midst of it, God has taught me patience and communication.

A large part of our lives is prayer.  Beyond the prayer we experience together in Chapel, we are also encouraged to spend time in prayer on our own throughout the day.  Here are my favorite ways to praise God and to converse with Him:

• making rosaries
• praying outside, whether with a book, an Office (Divine Office, Franciscan Office, or Office of the Passion), or simply by enjoying the outdoors
• walking
• talking with my Sisters... and sometimes with plants, such as Joseph my tree
• journaling -- I love to write!
• making candles
• dancing
• drawing
• painting

Yup, I made that candle and those Rosaries!

When it comes to praying on my own, I have discovered that there are a multitude of ways to enjoy my time of reflection or meditation.  The type of environment I need to create for myself shifts from day to day, or even by the hour.  Sometimes I enjoy listening to music (Danielle Rose mostly) and sometimes I prefer silence.  Sunny weather and rainy days are both great for me; each have their own ways to inspire!  When I pray at night I usually enjoy a dark room with candles lit to remind myself of the mystery of God.  I consider sleep a prayer, too!  I love to sleep: it is the only time when all my senses have been quieted and I can be 100% open to the Lord.  I take my dreams very seriously and they usually end up becoming a large part of my prayer life as well.  Prayer is not always exciting or instantly gratifying, but faithfulness to prayer produces an abundance of grace which may not always be recognized or felt.  It took me a while to learn this, but I think I finally caught on ;)

 

I hope I was able to answer some questions or satisfy some curiosity, but if any questions remain, do not hesitate to post them in the comment box below!

~May God continue to bless and keep you~

A Weekend of Retreat

My fellow novices and I went on a wonderful retreat in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania for a whole week.  We stayed at the Villa of Our Lady retreat center and were taken care of by three super fun jolly Bernadine Franciscan Sisters.  They and their staff cooked meals for us all week long and made sure we were well fed.  The interesting fact I must share with you about these Sisters is that they began in Poland just like the Felician Sisters did.  Upon meeting them, I made the connection that these were the Sisters some of our own Sisters stayed with during the War in Poland.  Now here we were, generations later, reunited!  I really feel that they're family.

I made a few new friends of the feline class.  The Sisters feed families of stray cats that live in the woods nearby and I was able to coax a few kittens with some dangly things.  I also made some human friends at the grotto outside which is perfectly situated at the corner of two major streets, so people stop there all the time.  I talked to several visitors and learned that many of them were not even Catholic, they just wanted to spend some time with Mother Mary :)  They could light candles, sit in prayer, or go inside the retreat house to check out the gift shop.  Perfect!


I found the Mount Airy State Park nearby and the four of us novices went hiking a few times. I even rode my bike around. It was the first time I ever used that bike in the mountains -- it finally fulfilled its purpose! A mountain bike on the road is nothing like a mountain bike in its natural environment. I loved it! It actually provided for a neat reflection on allowing myself to fulfill the purpose for which God has created me. What is my natural environment? Am I made for the road or the trails? Married or religious life? That's what discernment is all about -- discovering where we work best!
While hiking and biking around, we caught glimpses of wildlife.  We heard about bears, but never saw one.  However, we did run across some toads, frogs, a couple of snakes, deer, a rabbit, squirrels, a beaver, a turtle and a few unknown creatures.  Not to mention mosquitoes... I came home with over 25 mosquito bites.

I have to mention the stream as well which was an icy cold relief from the heat and humidity.  We sat in it almost every day and made sure to submerge ourselves enough to make it last for the walk back home.  It was like a baptism, being embraced and comforted by my Sister Water.  Despite the trail's bugs and possible predators, the path was like a deep conversation with God.  With flower pedals strewn across the ground, we could feel the Lord drawing us closer to Himself.

May you be able to see God's love for you no matter where you are!  Amen.  Amen.

From the Desk of Sister Heather Marie Deneen...

Petitioning -- I Can't Believe Vows are so Near!

My name is Sister Heather Marie Deneen.  I am a second-year novice with the Felician Sisters and I am guest blogging for Sister Desiré.  The second year is called the apostolic year, and it is designed to help a novice discern where her talents can be best used in the ministries of the congregation. It also gives the novice a real-world community experience outside the novitiate house, where community can be really intense.

I will talk about my apostolic experience briefly. In January, I lived in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and worked with our mission leader, Vicky. She is in charge of mission integration at Villa St. Francis, an assisted-living facility, and the Child Development Center of St. Joseph, both of which are Felician sponsored ministries.  Vicky is in charge of making sure all employees are trained to uphold our core values of respect and dignity of the human person, compassion, solidarity with the poor, transformation, and justice.  She also makes sure that these values are represented when decisions are being made and is in charge of Heritage Week (Oct. 4-10, the week between St. Francis Day and Blessed Angela Day).  I learned a lot about our corporate ministries from her and the staff of both ministries; it can be very challenging to make sure our values are always upheld in our decisions.  It is important to remind everyone at a Felician ministry they are not just doing a job but cooperating with Christ in the spiritual renewal of the world!

My other experience was in Kingstree, South Carolina at the Felician Center.  The Felician Center provides an after-school program, emergency food, assist with medical, dental, and prescription needs, visits shut-ins, and runs an affordable clothing closet where people can purchase gently used clothing for $2 a bag.  I loved the ministry in Kingstree because I really felt I was serving as Christ served, and I loved the people I served and served with. Kingstree has a wealth of volunteers from many Christian denominations and they are so committed to helping us be Christ’s hands and feet in rural South Carolina. I also loved the unpredictability of the ministries.  One never knows what kind of mood the kids will come from school in or who is going to come through the door to ask for help.

OK, this article is supposed to be about petitioning, so let me briefly describe what it is.  As a woman moves through the different stages of becoming a Felician, before she moves on to the next level of formation, she petitions, or asks her provincial for permission to move on to the next level.  The petitioning ceremony is usually preceded by interviews with the provincial minister and her councilors. They ask questions about how a candidate is growing in love with God, in prayer, in community life, and what her hopes are for ministry.  My interviews went well and I really enjoyed talking with my Sisters. Shortly after, the petitioning ceremony confirms that the woman is fit to move onto the next step of formation, which for me is first vows.

 

My petitioning ceremony for first vows took place at the Immaculate Conception Central Convent in Lodi, New Jersey.  It was a simple ceremony where I humbly asked Sister Christopher, the provincial, to be admitted to first vows.  It started with a short hymn, followed by me asking for permission to make vows.  A series of questions follow, reminding everyone I am freely choosing to answer Christ’s call to intensify my baptismal commitment as a Felician Sister. Afterwards, Sister Christopher gave me a message of encouragement, and I signed paperwork, making it official that I will be making first vows! The sisters who were around attended the ceremony as well as four of the provincial councilors and the entire novitiate house. They all hugged me and promised to pray for me as I start to plan my profession mass, await my first assignment, prepare to move, and spiritually prepare to profess vows.  For such a short ceremony, it really is packed with graces, which I’m sure I will need all that I can get.

So, please pray for me as I prepare for first vows.  I am excited to profess love for my spouse Jesus Christ, and to more fully become a part of the Felician community!  Know of my prayers for all of you too.