The End of Doubt

Kate Buckley Photography

After nine years of prayer, formation and formal discernment, I made my final vows with the Felician Sisters on August 15, 2019. Those years flew by like clouds on a windy day, but they were meaningful and packed to the brim with experiences and people who helped to shape me. Even after those very full nine years, I still couldn't be 100% sure that I was ready to say "yes" forever. I was about 90% sure, however, that I didn't want to say "no". I had been living this religious life for nine years and I couldn't imagine myself doing or being anything different.

In preparation for the big day, we spent several weeks throughout the year in prayer and conversation. It was a year of reflection, but even the day before the day I thought to myself, "This final vow ceremony is pretty much just a formality. I've been living the vows for six years already, and nothing changes after this. I'll still be doing what I've been doing and living where I've been living. It's no big deal." Oh, but it was a big deal.

When we processed into the chapel at the start of Mass, joy flooded my heart with wave after wave of

Kate Buckley Photography

smiling faces. Parents, siblings, family from miles away, friends, sisters from other congregations, sisters from my own congregation, people from my Pomona family - they were all there, and they were there to support and encourage me as they had all along the way. I was so excited I couldn't even cry, but I'm crying now just recalling that moment. All these eyes connected with mine, but our hearts had been intertwined long ago. Almost 100 people came to celebrate, and Jesus was certainly in our midst. Not just another body in the crowd, He was the pulse of it - the branch connecting all the vines with mutual love and excitement.

I don't remember much else, but I do remember that I wholeheartedly enjoyed the music. I'm a dancer by nature, but I fervently sang along to songs that had been a part of my journey from the beginning and songs that had connected me with my sisters over time. Basically I was just enjoying a rather fancy and personalized Mass; but then came the reception of the ring. I stood at the front of the chapel while the priest held up a simple silver ring. I'm sure he said something very profound and I probably responded with "Amen" but all I really know is that as soon as the ring made its way onto my finger, a sudden and slow explosion began to go off in my mind.

Kate Buckley Photography

About 50 different thoughts came at me as soon as I received that ring. For one, I realized that I had been subconsciously keeping myself aware of all the options still available to me prior to that very day. Up until that moment, I had subconsciously been saying to myself, "This isn't forever yet. I can still choose to pursue anything. I could travel, get married, have kids, anything." However, as I watched that little silver ring slide onto my finger something else became apparent: out of all the options out there, I chose this one. I could have chosen anything else, but I didn't.

As I continue to reflect on that moment, I realize that I was not only living with an awareness of other options, I was living as if I might choose one of them instead. I loved my community from the beginning, and felt all along that God had been inviting me here, but even then I hadn't fully given myself all of those years. Not only was I holding onto those other options subconsciously, but I was living them subliminally. I was not going on dates or flirting, of course, but neither was I 100% invested in my call to religious life. I was living it knowing that it could potentially be temporary, halfheartedly showing up to prayers and never giving a thought to how it affected others. That ring changed everything.

It makes me think of the Catholic Church's firm stance on couples not living together before they get married. I always knew it was important, but I never really paid attention to why it mattered so much. With this new understanding of commitment, I'm finally "getting it". When two people live together before marriage, they know in the back of their minds that the person they're with is still just one option out of many. They may not say that out loud, but it's subconscious, and so at some level they will live that way, too. It may not come in the form of physical betrayal, but it's hard to invest oneself fully in a commitment when it still just remains an option. At the same time, the other person knows that they remain simply one option out of many. Thus, marriage becomes a way for a couple to say to one another, "Out of all the options out there, I choose you. I choose to give myself fully to you and to nothing and no one else."

My little ring has become a symbol of just that. On August 15th I said to God, "Out of all the options out there, I choose you. I choose to give myself fully to you and to nothing and no one else." So here I am, committed to no one and everyone all at once, serving through the charism of my beloved congregation. Where will it lead me? I have no idea, but I am content in knowing that "I have found the One whom my soul loves" (Song of Solomon 3:4).

Kate Buckley Photography

The Heart of a Mother

I love giving vocation talks, not because I'm trying to recruit young women to religious life, but because a lot of young people are curious about the lives of Sisters and don't always have a chance to ask us questions. The Q&A portion is my favorite part of a vocation talk. I get questions as simple as "Are you allowed to listen to any kind of music?" and questions as complicated as "Don't you want to have children?" This second question is the one I sat down to write about today.

When I ask a young woman whether or not she has considered the possibility of religious life, if she says, "No," it's often followed by, "Because I want to get married and have children." Oddly enough, a lot of Sisters I know said the very same thing when someone had asked them the very same question. Despite all the gender stereotype and social construct arguments, I do believe that our bodies are deeply connected to our souls. The womb of a woman is not just another body part, but is central and sacred, even the womb of a woman physically unable bear children. The space within us tells us that we are bearers of life, that we can carry another human being within ourselves. It makes sense, then, that a young woman's hesitation to religious life would be the relinquishing of such a gift. But is it something we actually relinquish?

This reminds me of the story of Abraham, called to return his son to the Lord by sacrificing him. That's how I felt about dance once upon a time. I thought that once I entered the convent there would be no dancing, that it would be a gift I would have to sacrifice and return to God. Instead, it has been returned to me and its blessing upon my life has increased a hundredfold, just like God promising Abraham "descendants as countless as the stars" because he was willing to let go of that which he held dear (Gen. 22:17). I think it's the same for a woman who cherishes her life-bearing abilities and yet decides to live out the religious vow of chastity. Many of us enter religious life thinking, "I would love to have children, but this is where I am called, and so I am willing to make this sacrifice." In the end, though, I am starting to see that much like Abraham, we too receive descendants as countless as the stars.

I didn't think too often about having children until I was a novice and my sister was pregnant with her first child. The mystery and excitement of it all paralleled a deep sadness that began to run through me. Being the older sister by only a few years, my younger sister and I had always been very close. I had often experienced life's challenges first which gave me the ability to help guide her through similar challenges later. That was not the case this time. I couldn't understand what she was going through and, I realized, I never would. "We'll never be able to swap giving-birth stories," I thought, "Or watch our kids play and grow up together." I would smile whenever we spoke on the phone, but at night I would turn to my pillow and cry.

Roller-coasters with my favorite nephew

It's been six years since then. In addition to her gentle son, my sister also has a girl now, a spicy little 5-year-old who couldn't wait to start kindergarten this year. As I prepare to make final vows, I still let my mind drift from time to time and wonder what it would have been like to have children. I wonder what they would have looked like, or how they would have behaved. Would they have been artists or athletes? Maybe both! I wonder if I would have ever gotten them to school on time since I can't stand waking up early. Would they have been little night owls, too? Or would they have pounced on me at 5:00 in the morning, ready for a new day?

Twinning with my favorite niece

While I do not have answers to those questions, I am starting to feel my heart open up in a way I can only describe as the heart of a mother. I would do anything for my nephew and niece. I save all the drawings they give me; I think mean thoughts about the kids that bully them (and then try to pray for the conversion of their heathen souls); I spend all my money on them at Christmas; and I sit on the phone with them for as long as they want when they call. They may not be my kids, but my heart can't tell the difference. My sister jokes that they're half of her and half of me. My nephew is becoming a little bookworm, just like I was when I was his age, and my niece is obsessed with animals of all sorts, wanting to rescue them no matter how big or small.

That maternal love is extending now, further and further, as I spend more time with the youth in our country. During a retreat this month I had the opportunity to speak one-on-one with a handful of high school students. I was surprised by the level of despair and pain with which they came to me. They were carrying tragedy and questions that I never had to deal with so young. As I listened to them I longed to carry it all for them. I found myself asking God how I could help lighten their loads, or how I could help them discover the abundance of God's love for them. I would sometimes look out at all of them during quiet moments of prayer, just to take in every little hair on their precious heads. I imagine that's how a parent feels - wishing they could take away their child's pain, whether it's a scraped knee or a deep heartache; or watching their child, toddler or teen, during some simple activity and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of their lives.

Maybe I thought I was giving up a huge part of my life when I realized I wouldn't be having children; maybe I felt like I was sacrificing my own child the way Abraham must have felt as he held the knife over Isaac; but God's invitation is always followed by lavish, life-altering love. That's what I found instead of sacrifice and emptiness. I am discovering each day a love that is as true as any I could have hoped for. I guess my answer to the question "Don't you want to have children?" will now be something more along the lines of, "Of course! That's why I have hundreds."

The Famous Question

I have had one of the most adventurous summers of my life. It started with a single phone call from a young woman named Emily Cunningham. After tracking me down through a list of phone numbers she had received, Emily finally got a hold of me at my new place of residency. When I answered the phone I started trying to imagine all the reasons I might be receiving a call from someone I did not know. "I was given your name by Father Tom Sparacino," she said. "My friends and I have been asking around about a Sister who could join us for a camping retreat." My heart started pounding. A camping retreat?! Never mind that I had only gone camping like twice in my life, I was being invited to a camping retreat! Well, it didn't take long for me to rearrange my vacation, despite the fact that I had to cancel a surprise trip for my baby sister's 13th birthday. (It sounds terrible of me, I know, BUT ... spoiler alert ... it all worked out in the end.)

During our week at camp, every activity we did was discussed during a debriefing time when campers and camp leaders would talk about the day's events in light of their relationship with God, themselves, or others. It reminded me of the question that so many spiritual directors love to ask: "Where did you see God in this?" The famous question.

As I ponder my many trips and adventures, that continues to be my guiding question. During the camp - named Camp Lajas after the Colombian miracle of Our Lady of Las Lajas - we had a chance to go hiking, rock climbing, kayaking, and rafting. I was forever gaining insights from the campers and camp leaders, but also coming to my own insights as I processed the experience for myself. In order to continue processing the experiences, I am sharing them with you here and hopefully it can help you ask the same question for yourself about your own summer activities: Where did you see God?

On Sunday, July 22nd, Emily's wonderful mom gave me a ride up to Muskrat Cove at Moraine State Park where I met the rest of the retreat leaders. We cooked, cleaned, set up tents, put together an outdoor chapel, laughed, ate, took pictures, and got ready for the eight retreatants who arrived the next day. They were young women in all levels of high school and from different areas of the Diocese of Pittsburgh. They all looked nervous when they showed up Monday since most of them did not know each other or the camp leaders, but it was easy to see that they were all excited to be there. I was excited too, except for the white water rafting we'd be doing on Thursday. I was not excited for that.

Rock climbing - it's not as easy as it looks

When we went rock climbing on Tuesday, the instructors were great and gave tons of good tips as they explained the difficulties and rewards of rock climbing. I looked up at the tall rock walls they had chosen for us and couldn't wait to give rock climbing a try. We had two options, so I went to the wall that had more edges and crevices since it looked like more fun to climb. When it was my turn, I put the harness on and happily started my ascent. I wish I could say I never looked back, but I could barely hang on after I'd gone up only two feet! I gracefully fell off the wall and had to start again. I think that's when I lost my confidence, because after that I began to second guess everything. It took me so much time and effort to consider my next move that I was getting frustrated. My arms were getting tired and every crevice seemed too far away for me to grasp. When I made it about halfway up the wall, the instructor simply called out to me, "Trust yourself!" It was like a movie moment, when everything is suddenly still and your spidey senses start tingling. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been relying on the strength of my wobbly arms when the instructors had clearly told us in the beginning to rely on our legs. "Most beginners think they need to use their arms to get themselves up, but all the work should really be in your legs." Of course, I thought to myself, Why would I rely on my arms anyway? They've always been the weakest part of my body. My strength has always been in my legs. It was like I suddenly realized that God had already given me the strength I needed, I just had to trust in it.

I read the book I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai and it reminds me of something she said the doctor had told her father when the hospital was getting ready to transfer her for recovery after she was shot. Her father had expressed gratitude in the fact that God had sent those specific doctors to his daughter's aid right when she needed them most. The doctor, Dr. Javid Kayani, replied, "It is my belief God sends the solution first and the problem later" (pg. 269). It felt the same for me - although in much less drastic circumstances - God had already given me a solution. The solution was my strong dancer legs, so instead of trying to come up with my own solution by using my arms, I needed to trust that God had already equipped me for the task at hand. I saw a clear parallel in my rock climbing adventure with implications for daily life: I have already been given certain strengths with which to navigate this life, and I'll only be able to find my way if I use them.

When Thursday came around I woke up with a pounding headache and thought perhaps it was a sign. As you may recall from my post about the Holy Land, drowning is one of my biggest fears, so with a headache on white water rafting day I figured it meant I shouldn't go since I might not make it out alive. I seriously considered staying behind and had an interior battle before getting into the van. I thought, If I don't go I'll miss out on time with the campers. Maybe I won't die. Maybe I'll be fine. No, this headache is terrible. I won't be fine. I'm going to die. Even with that conclusion, I somehow convinced myself to line up for the van.

Halfway to our destination, we missed our exit on the highway. Usually you can just turn around without too much of a change in your estimated time of arrival, but not on white water rafting day. Once the GPS rerouted us we got 30 minutes added to our trip. Instead of arriving right on time at noon, we were now going to be a half hour late. To me, that was another sign. Emily gasped in a panic. "They'll leave without us!" she said. "The paperwork clearly states that if we don't get there on time, the group will leave without us." She sat in shock for a moment as I silently thanked God that we missed our exit. This must mean I was going to die! Now we're definitely not going white water rafting. Thank You, Lord. "Wait," Emily said, "I'll just call and tell them we missed our exit. Maybe they'll understand." She made the phone call and the very kind woman on the other end said they would wait. I was disappointed. So there's a chance we'll make it, I thought. Great.

When we finally got rerouted it seemed that all was going smoothly until suddenly the tires on the van screeched and the wheel locked. The camp leader who was driving slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road and took the keys out of the ignition. We sat for a moment, wondering what could have possibly happened and I uttered another silent sigh of relief. We're definitely not going to get there now. Good! Our driver tried restarting the van, but it fought back while I tried to fight back my smile. She tried it again, but to no avail. I held my breath on the third try and suddenly it started. Ugh. But I was still holding out hope that we would not get there in time.

Nope, we were on time. Figures, I thought. Now all I can hope for is that I don't die. Please, God, don't let me die.

As the guides were giving their instructions, I practiced every move they described. I tightened my life jacket until I could hardly breathe, just as they suggested, and we set off for the rapids. Our group was split up into three rafts and I ended up with four teenagers and only one adult who had been white water rafting just once before. She was younger than me. I looked at my crew and thought, Yup, today is the day. My earthly pilgrimage is over.

We started out nice and slow in our bright yellow raft. There were about five other rafts on the trip with us, plus a rescue raft and our two guides in their kayaks. The river was moving pretty quickly, but didn't seem too threatening. It was almost like an exciting lazy river ride. Our guides called out directions, telling us what was up ahead and explaining whether we should stay to the middle, left, or right. As soon as we hit our first rapid, I was immediately in love! I couldn't wait for the next one! We went a total of 7.4 miles downstream that day, and at the halfway point we all stopped for a lunch break. Plenty of people had fallen out of their rafts during the first half of the trip, but none of us in my raft had. We were so proud of ourselves and our great teamwork! We had almost tipped over once, with water rushing in as we slumped halfway off a rock, but we had narrowly avoided the disaster and used it as an excuse to build our pride.

Once we got back in the water we were feeling more confident and were happy to know we still had another few miles of rapids left. At one point, one of the guides was explaining that there was a hydraulic ahead. He said, "This is the spot where plenty of rafts get flipped! You need to watch out and make sure you avoid it. If not, then hit it straight on and with as much speed as you can, because if you're turned sideways or going too slowly, your whole raft will flip over." We listened intently and followed the group along as we watched for this infamous hydraulic. When our guide shouted that it was just ahead, we saw it, but there was nowhere to go. There was a raft on our right and a bunch of rocks to our left - we were headed straight for it. Without enough time to fight the swift pace of the river, the nose of our raft turned and we were headed slowly toward the hydraulic at a crawling pace, exactly the way we were not supposed to. It all happened just like our guides had explained during the instructions, "If you fall out, everything will go dark and wet." It sure did. Dark and wet, I thought. Yup. But then I remembered his next words, "Don't panic. You'll float right back up to the surface. Just stay calm." I paddled my arms a bit as I came up and then there I was, back in the sunlight. I stayed calm, just as he said, because I realized that there were rules in place to keep me safe, so as long as I followed those rules I would be just fine. His words kept coming to me, "Once you come back to the surface, make sure you get your legs pointed downstream. Don't try to swim, and don't try to stand either. There are plenty of rocks and crevices your feet could get stuck in. Just get your feet pointed downriver and float." I realized my head was pointed downriver, and even though we were wearing helmets, I still didn't like the idea of hitting my helmetted head on a rock. I turned myself around and floated downriver with my feet out in front of me. I grabbed two of the paddles floating next to me and marveled at just how calm I was. Eventually the guys in the rescue boat reached out and pulled me over using the paddles I was holding. They quickly took hold of my life-jacket and pulled me up by it. I was so glad I had tightened it just like the guides said, otherwise I would have slipped right out. After that, they gave our paddles back and promptly returned us to our raft.

When we were talking about the rafting trip afterward, my little crew was still in awe over the experience. Almost all of us had loved it - even the falling out part - but one girl from our raft said she had been terrified the whole time. However, when our raft flipped, she explained that her consolation came from the fact that there were others in the water with her. I hadn't thought about that aspect, but I realized when she said it that it had been a consolation for me as well. I was comforted by the fact that I wasn't the only person adrift, but that my whole team was with me. I joked later that our teamwork was the best because we were either all in the raft together, or we were all in the water together.

It made me think about how important it is for us to be with people during their time of need. Of course we need people there to pull us out of the water when it's time, but we often need to feel like people are with us in the water. When I'm feeling upset or distraught about a personal situation, I don't always need saviors. Sometimes I just need someone who will say, "I understand. I'm here. I'm with you in this. We'll get out together."

These are just some of the places where God showed up for me at Camp Lajas: in learning to trust the gifts God has given me; in better understanding what it means to work as a team; and in realizing just how important it is to be at the side of those who feel alone in their struggles. So, back to the famous question: Where did you see God in this... summer / post / year ? If you want to know where God is at work in your life, this question is a good place to start.

Wishing you peace and plenty of adventures,
Sister Desiré Anne-Marie Findlay

Bring Me Your Sick and Suffering

I have been in Haiti for a little over a week now, and today I experienced a Gospel story in real life. You know how Jesus would walk the streets and visit different towns and neighborhoods? He would kneel down and ask what was ailing an individual, and then people who saw and heard about His miraculous touch would desperately seek His help.

Today was my first time walking with a team of student nurses through the small neighborhoods of Jacmel, Haiti. We were lead by Sister Marilyn who had visited a few people the day before and promised a return visit. They were all waiting outside on their porches and steps when we arrived, eager to receive help from this group of healers. You could see the hope in their eyes and the excitement as they called on their children and grandchildren to search for chairs, offering a place for the nurses to sit. Sister Marilyn translated as people shared their aches and pains, burdened by illnesses they couldn’t understand or afford. People would stand around and listen, curious and watchful, but then more people would start to show up, just like they would with Jesus. We would finish with one person, and then someone would lift up their child onto the porch - “She doesn’t have an appetite,” they would say, concerned for their little one. The team of nurses would then discuss the possibilities as Sister Marilyn translated their questions. After granting small doses of medication, another neighbor would bring their elderly mother. “She has terrible headaches,” they’d tell us, and then all would watch, amazed, as the nurses checked blood pressure, took temperature, and pulled bottles of medication out of their bags.

We were almost finished with one home visit in particular when the small crowd parted to let a young man come through. We all winced as he walked up the steps, slowly and carefully, suffering from what looked like road burn. It turned out he had been near a propane tank when it exploded, leaving burns and blisters on his arm and face. The student nurses quickly began surveying the damage. After gathering all the necessary information, they cleaned the open skin with peroxide, then gently applied antibiotic ointment to the affected areas. When it was particularly painful, the young man would close his eyes, but his face was still covered with signs of relief, knowing that he was getting the help he needed.

As I observed the nurses and their patients, it was like watching people flock to Jesus; people with a hope big enough for miracles.

A Shout Out to St. Michael's Catholic School of Livonia, Michigan!

Near the end of the 2013-2014 school year I received several letters and cards of encouragement from the sixth grade classes of St. Michael's Catholic School in Livonia, MI.  Several of our Sisters live in that area and a few of them still minister at the school.  For Catholic Schools Week the students were asked to pray for a specific individual and then send him or her a card.  I was blessed to be one of those recipients, and so I still have in my possession their very thoughtful, colorful, inspirational and prayerful messages.  So a very big THANK YOU to them!

Some of the cards from the fantastic kids at St. Michael's

Some of the students who sent me a letter also asked me some questions.  I couldn't fit my answers in the Thank You card I sent, so I am going to answer those questions right here, right now...


Ellie R. asked:

1. At first, was it hard to understand God's call when it happened, or did you understand it right away?

• It started out kind of slowly, like an idea that popped into my head when I was around your age.  It seemed like something that would be really interesting and unique and I thought to myself, "I think I'd like to join the convent."  I thought about it again in high school and then again in college.  It just always appealed to me.  Eventually I met some Sisters at a convent near my house and I started spending time with them.  Soon I decided to join, and I've been happy ever since.  For me, God's call was very subtle, but very simple, so I understood very easily what God was asking of me.

Elizabeth C. asked:

1. Do you have to stay inside all the time?
2. Do you like to read?

• I do not have to stay inside all the time, but there are some communities of religious who do.  They are called "cloistered" and their main ministry is prayer.  Our community is active-contemplative, so we pray a lot, but we also get out and do a lot.  If you're wondering what sorts of things we do, we help the homeless, some of us teach, we go shopping for things we need, we go to the beach, we go to the State Fair, we go out to eat, we go out to get exercise, we give retreats, we visit with people in hospitals, we do lots of stuff!

• I love to read.  Some of my favorite books are "The Chronicles of Narnia", "The Hunger Games", and pretty much any book with stories about miracles and Mary.  I like to read books that help me learn more about my faith and that show me how God works in other people's lives.

Hannah B. asked:

1. How old were you when you decided that you wanted to devote your life to God?
2. How do people in formation earn money to feed themselves and the poor?  Do you earn the items you need by getting a part-time job, or do you rely on donations?

• I was 22 years old when I decided to devote my life to God.  I had just graduated from college and I wanted to be and do something that would give my life purpose.  I was not living for God before college, so I wanted to change that.  I felt a strong desire to dedicate myself to God by surrounding myself with others who wanted to do the same.  That's when I met the Felician Sisters!  They were women who had dedicated their lives to God and I admired them very much, so I decided to dedicate my life to God with them.
  
  
• People in formation receive an allowance once a month.  Since they don't have paying ministries (jobs), Sisters in formation receive money from the Sisters who do get paid.  Basically we have one main bank account, like a big pot where everyone's money goes.  Then, from the big pot everyone gets money according to what they need.  If I need a lot of things because I have to buy clothing and food for the poor, then I might get more money than someone who only needs to buy school supplies.  Our vow of poverty reminds us that we must be willing to share what we have, including money.  Now that I teach, I’m happy that the money I make can be shared with Sisters around the world for whatever they need.  Sometimes we do receive donations, and that is very helpful.  When people donate their money, it helps us provide for people in our jobs, on the streets, and in other countries.

Isabella S. asked:

1. How did you know you wanted to become a Sister?
2. Did God ask you?  If he did, how did he ask you, or how did you realize he was calling you?
3. Why did you want to become a Sister?

• I knew I wanted to become a Sister because I knew I wanted a deeper relationship with God and I felt that this was the best way for me to do that.  I think that whatever vocation God calls us to is the one that He knows will deepen our relationship with Him.  For some of us, getting married helps to deepen our relationship with God.  For others, like me, a vocation to the religious life is what helps.  As soon as I made the decision to become a Sister, I was at peace.  Even when I miss my family or have a tough day, this peace never leaves me.

• I never really heard a voice of God asking me, but it was more like a longing in my heart.  I wanted something very special, and this seemed to be the answer.  So instead of a voice, it was more like I felt God’s love drawing me here.  I realized this because of the peace I mentioned.  My heart was asking for something I had not yet given it, and so when I decided to dedicate myself to God, it was like my heart finally felt at home.
  
  
• I knew this was the place for me because any obstacles that might have kept me from becoming a Sister were cleared out of my way.  For example, someone who wants to join the religious life cannot be in debt.  We cannot owe money from loans or large purchases like cars, and when I decided to join the convent I still owed $3,000 to college.  I did not have enough money to pay off that debt so I said to God, "If this is really where You want me, You'll have to figure something out because I can't take care of this."  About a month later I received money from my school and was able to pay everything off!  I didn't have any more debt.  It was like a big, "Yes, this is what I want you to do," from God, so it was very clear that I should move forward with my decision to become a Felician Sister.

Hannah M. asked:

1. How long did it take you, or how long has it been, since you decided to become a nun?

• I am 27 years old now, so it has been five years since I made my decision.  I was 22 years old

  

  From the ceremony last year
  when I made my First Vows

  when I decided to join the convent (fresh out of college!) and it will take me about four more years before my commitment is permanent.  Right now I am in a stage called “temporary vows”.  This is a time where we take our vows, but they sort of expire after one year.  When they expire, we renew them and continue our commitment for another year.  After about six years in temporary vows, we make “final vows” and that’s when our commitment is permanent.  If at any time during temporary vows I thought God was no longer calling me here, then after my vows expired I would choose not to renew them and then I would return home.  But before we even take vows for the first time, we spend three years learning about the community and getting to know what it’s like to live as a Sister.  So it takes a while, but that’s to help each person make sure this is really the life for them.

Julia S. asked:

1. When did you get your calling to be a Sister?
2. Are there any other people in your family that are involved in religious vocations?
3. Are you interested in community service, such as teaching or working with the poor?  Or would you rather do things within the convent?

• I believe the first time I really felt called to religious life was around your age.  I remember already thinking in middle school (or junior high) that I would probably like to join the convent.  When I was 22 I felt like it just needed to happen, so after getting to know the Felician Sisters I asked to join their community and here I am five years later!

• No one else from my family is in religious life yet.  I had an uncle who was studying to be a priest when he was a young adult, but he got sick and was never able to fully recover.  Other than that, I’m the one and only so far, but perhaps one day that will change.  My youngest sister is 9 and she already thinks that maybe this is the life God is calling her to.
  
  
• I really enjoy being with people, so I am very happy to be teaching.  This is only my second year as a teacher, but I already love it.  I teach at an all-girls Catholic high school here in California.  It’s such a blessing to minister to young people through education, but one day I do hope to work with the very poor here in our country and in countries like Africa or Haiti.  We have convents all around the world, so it is definitely a possibility!

Again, great questions all of you, and thank you everyone for the letters!  I loved reading every single one of them and I will definitely keep all of you and your school in my prayers.  If I had any advice to give you about finding your own vocation, it’s this:  Be confident of God’s love for you.  He knows what you need and what you desire, so pay attention to those things and He’ll lead you on the greatest adventure of your life!




The Sisters in Temporary Vows as of August 2014
(I'm on the far right)

Sister Desire's Apostolic Experience in Coraopolis, PA

I arrived in Coraopolis, PA, on Friday, February 15, and will be here until Monday, April 1. I am spending my days at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart (OLSH) High School, walking up and down the halls and in and out of classrooms as a new addition with some experiences to share.

 

Sister Desire tutoring a student in Spanish

I have spoken with all of the students by going to each religion class and telling my vocation story. During each visit, I left time for the students to make comments or ask questions, and I had a lot of fun responding to them. I received questions such as, "What's your favorite color?" or, "If you could be any animal, what would you be?", but also encountered some very carefully thought-out questions such as, "What do you think of the military?" or "What do you think about other religions?" At the end of the discussion, I would ask the students to put their heads down so I could ask them a question. "Keep your eyes closed," I instructed, and then I would ask, "Have any of you ever thought about religious life? Just raise your hand." In each class, I always had at least two students raise their hands. Sometimes I had about four or five hands go up in a class. So keep the prayers coming! After speaking with the students, they felt more comfortable having me around, so we began an extracurricular activity after school.

About 15 students showed up on the first day, Monday, March 4, to make knotted cord rosaries. I began with a single-decade rosary. When they returned the next day, I gave them each enough cord to make a full rosary while the newcomers began on their own single decades. It has been great so far! I plan to continue next week as well, since the students are interested in continuing the activity after I leave.

Another one of my roles in the school is as a tutor, mostly for students struggling in Spanish or Religion. I work with about four students on a weekly basis and am really enjoying getting to know them. Two of them are seniors, so I get to listen to them talk about their future plans for school and employment. One young man tells me that I look like his little sister, so I guess they are becoming like family to me now!

 

Teaching rosary making to the students after school

On Wednesday, March 13, I had the chance to speak in one of the Spanish classes about immigration. I created a power point presentation entitled, Immigración: Antes de, Durante de, Después de (Immigration: Before, During, After).  It included educational videos as well as photographs that I had taken of children and adults both in Mexico and the United States who have had to endure the difficulties of immigration. We discussed some true/false statements that I had composed and then talked about the difficulties many migrants face when they finally arrive. We also had a chance to talk about how our country can benefit from their presence and I brought up an example that I figured would be relevant-- Pizza! Tomorrow the students will gather in groups to further discuss the topic and I am scheduled to give this same presentation for the remaining Spanish classes.

Other than school, I have had the opportunity to attend several young adult gatherings in the Pittsburgh area. Sarah Beedle, who is discerning a vocation to the religious life, often picks me up and we attend the events together. The religion teacher and campus minister here, Erin Stuvek, hosts a young adult gathering with her husband called "Taco Tuesday." We attend Mass in the evening and then gather just to visit for a while. After visiting, we read a reflection or excerpt from Scripture, and then get into small groups to go over some discussion questions. It is a wonderful experience, so I am trying to get some of our other young educators on board. Sarah also came to the OLSH Legacy Gala where our sisters were recognized for their ministry at OLSH High School. The evening was very enjoyable and Sarah noted how well-loved and supported the sisters are by the community here.

I look forward to my remaining two weeks with the OLSH community and ask for your continued prayers as I discern my future ministry! Thank you for all the support you have shown thus far and may God bless each and every one of you.

Your sister, Desiré

P.S. My niece, Grace Apodaca (pictured at right), was born on Saturday, March 9! She was four weeks early, but is doing very well and was discharged from the hospital with my sister 48 hours after delivery. Now my nephew has a little sister!

Sister Angelise's Apostolic Experience in Philadelphia, PA

My time here at St. Ignatius in Philadelphia, PA, has been nothing short of a blessing.

This last week especially, has been filled with one-on-one visits with the residents: spending time with them in their rooms, meeting with them in the hallways, praying with them when they request a prayer. In these discussions, a few have shared that they live with chronic pain and some have conveyed a desire to return to their home but can't due to failing health. Regardless of individual circumstances, the perceived lesson that comes through these remarkable encounters is the residents' desire to be heard, affirmed and validated.

On reflection, I believe this need is a universal need and is a facet of who we are as spiritual human beings. When we reflect on life and its accomplishments and its joys as well as its sufferings, we want to know that our lives had, and continue to have, meaning and purpose. Asking an elder to talk about their friends and family, even about their careers, faith and hobby interests can convey a message of affirmation and dignity to our senior population and I believe the need for that affirmation becomes even more vital as one's health and ability to verbally and effectively communicate decline.

So, where do I go with this lesson and what do I do with it?

I guess the biggest takeaways from this week's lesson are the words patience, presence and purpose. Patience, in giving elders the opportunity to share their stories as many times as possible and as often as possible. Presence, to meet our elders wherever they are. If they are happy, I will rejoice with them. If they are sad, I will weep with them. And should they be lost in a moment of confusion, I will meet them in that reality and journey with them through that experience. Purpose, that regardless of their circumstances, affirm that their lives have meaning and purpose and whether verbally or through a gentle touch, I will let them know that they are loved.

I still cannot believe my time with St. Ignatius has come to an end. I shall miss this place dearly but I shall also take away many positive experiences and spiritual lessons.

To the residents of St. Ignatius: You have shared so much of who you are with me and have helped me to learn even more about who I am through your gentle wisdom. I am indebted to you all and take with me a thousand happy memories of our time together.

 To Sister Maureen Lowry, RSM, St. Ignatius' Pastoral Care Director: Thank you for your wisdom, knowledge and guidance regarding pastoral care of the elderly.

To Michelle Garrison, director of activities, and her staff, Fran, Nicole, Lily and Ginny: Each of you exemplifies the core values of St. Ignatius in your activities with the residents: Dignity of All Persons, Excellence through Compassion, Community through Transformation, Stewardship through Justice and Peace, and Concern for the Poor, and also Love.

To John Meacham, administrator of St. Ignatius: Thank you for saying "Yes" to my apostolic experience and for making me feel so welcomed.

And finally, a heart-felt "Thank You" to SM Annelle Velivis, local minister, and SM Agatha Cebula, director of mission integration at St. Ignatius: For your wonderful Felician hospitality, excursions around the Philadelphia area, visits to the Shrine of St. John Neumann, and excellent discussions and literature on elder care. Your care, compassion and concern for the elderly is boundless. Mother Angela would be well-pleased with your commitment and efforts.

Next stop - Felician Village, Manitowoc, WI. Cheese curds and string cheese - I need my cheese!

Sister Bridget's Apostolic Experience in San Antonio, TX

I am staying at Blessed Mary Angela Convent with S Dorothy Ann Mary Moczygemba, SM Irene Krysinski and SM Ellen Sturm.  

My apostolic experience with Sister Dorothy, director of faith formation for St. Brigid's Parish in San Antonio, has been a great experience.  

St. Brigid's is a large parish, with about 2500 registered families, in Northwest San Antonio. The parish website describes itself as having "a pastor and pastoral team who are able to share leadership of the parish and willing to delegate responsibility in such a manner as to continue the development of a committed lay leadership that will assist in carrying out the message of the Gospel," and I have witnessed this firsthand. It is beautiful to see so many committed parishioners, young and old, who are a vibrant part of the parish life outside of Sunday Mass attendance. At the opening of the Parish Mission, the parishioners were asked to commit to one hour per week for Eucharistic Adoration as St. Brigid's prepares to start perpetual adoration.  More than 400 parishioners responded "Yes" to the call. The visiting priest, Father Sean Davidson, a member of the clerical association Missionaries of the Most Holy Eucharist, said he had never seen such a response.

Vocation panel discussion at St. Joseph's in Honey Creek

While I have been here at St. Brigid's, I have been assisting Sister Dorothy and Lourdes Machado, her assistant, in the office as well as participating with various faith-forming ministries. I helped to research and choose a Vacation Bible School theme, facilitated a First Eucharist Gathering with the children (one of many highlights), attended one of two bible studies going on at the parish, and participated in a "Writing with Angels" meeting where the participants read scripture, pray together, faith share and journal together. I also joined in a few RCIA classes and accompanied Sister Dorothy to the Rite of Election. 

Youth Ministry Coordinator Nora Ruiz allowed me to accompany the youth group to the Natalie Grant concert, a Christian singer, at the University of the Incarnate Word. I also attended a few of the Youth Group meetings. One of the beautiful instances of collaboration of the community here at St. Brigid's was exemplified at a high school retreat planning meeting I attended. Headed by Nora, who had to leave soon after it started, the team, a mix of young adults (former youth group members) and adult parishioners, proceeded to present ideas for activities, skits and overall flow of the weekend event. Each idea was discussed and most were accepted and adapted to the need of the event. Input came from a majority of the participants. It was beautiful and exciting to see leaders of today forming leaders of tomorrow!

Vocation Events

Youth group at St. Brigid's

The first Saturday I was in San Antonio, S Jane Mary Gawlik took me to the San Antonio Super Youth Spectacular. Jesse Manibusan was the keynote speaker and Archbishop Gustavo García-Siller presided at Mass. More than 500 young people attended the event. I participated in a skit and Q&A panel with several seminarians and a Salesian Sister, Sister Jaden. The youth group led by Nora Ruiz from St. Brigid's was also there and this was their first sighting of me. On Sunday,  back at the parish, many came and introduced themselves to me and gave me great feedback on the skit, which focused on making good decisions in the face of temptation. This past Sunday I was involved in two more vocation panel discussions, one at St. Brigid's and the other in "Hill Country," at St. Joseph's in Honey Creek. I talked with many of the teens from St. Brigid's one-on-one as they were interviewing seminarians and religious for their Confirmation classes. At St. Joseph's, we were part of the Life Teen event after Mass. I was amazed by the amount and quality of questions this group of high schoolers had for us. Many came and asked more questions following the event.

Sadly, my time here in San Antonio is coming to a close. I have been truly blessed to have experienced so much in such a short time and to have met so many faith-filled people who have welcomed me with open arms and plenty of hugs!